Chapter 1: From the Depths of Development Hell!
Edited by Acalanthide
“Welcome to this week’s Prove the Existence of Humans Club.” said Lyra Heartsrtings. She looked around at the ponies in attendance. There were only two; Pinkie Pie and that weird doctor pony. What was his name? Time Turner? Doctor Whooves? Pinkie looked excited to be there, but then again she always looks excited. The weird doctor was absent-mindedly fiddling around with some strange device, looking a bit bored.
Lyra begain to speak again. “Now, for our first order of business I think we should…”
“We should change the club’s name back to the We Love Humans Club!” interrupted Pinkie.
Lyra sighed, and put her hoof to her forehead. “Pinkie, we’ve been over this. We changed the name because so many ponies weren’t taking us seriously, so now we have to prove to them that humans exist.” ((Author’s Note: Believe it or not, I’m a human. I know, shocker, right? I bet you thought I was a puma or something.))
“The new name sounds boooooring.” Pinkie turned to the doctor-pony, “You agree with me, right Doctor Whooves?”
Doctor Whooves looked up from his device, “Huh? Oh, right. Uh… human’s rule.” He went back to what he was doing.
“I swear,” Lyra said to herself, “Sea Swirl’s Prove the Existence of Sea Ponies Club gets more done than we do.”
Meanwhile at the Legion of Doom:
Lex Luthor let out a laugh, “MWA HA HA HA! Soon our evil plan to destroy the Super Friends will be complete!”
… Wait a minute. Wrong story, sorry about that. I meant to say about five blocks away at some other pony’s house:
“Sea Ponies are so Kawaii!” yelled Lily.
“Lily!” shouted Sea Swirl, “What have I told you about using that word?” she pointed to a sign on the wall:
The Following Neighponese Words are not permitted:
Any other Neighponese honorific
“Next time use words like cute or adorable, ok? What’s wrong with that?” Lily grumbled and remand silent.
Now back to the plot! (Not that kind of plot! Get your mind out of the gutter!):
“Well it wasn’t bad, I suppose,” said Pinkie, grinning. “ I kind of liked the whole Legion of Doom thing, but was it really necessary?” ((Author’s Note: It wasn’t necessary. I just thought it would be funny.))
Lyra had no idea what Pinkie was talking about. This pony was crazy, she though. Finally she let out a sigh, “You know what? I think we should end this meeting early.”
“ We haven’t gotten anything done.” said Pinkie.
“That’s okay. We weren’t going to get anything done anyway.”
As Pinkie and Time Turner left, Lyra noticed a monitor on Time Turner’s device. It said something about solicitations for IDW comics. Lyra had no idea what that meant.
“Hey Lyra, how was your club?” Bonbon asked her marefriend when she came home.
“The same as always, nothing got done.” said Lyra with a depressed face, flopping down on the couch with an unsatisfied grunt.
“Don’t be sad, Lyra. I may not believe in humans, and there are a whole bunch of ponies out there who think you’re crazy for believing in them…” began Bonbon.
“You’re not helping, Bonbon!” Lyra interrupted.
“… but that’s why you have to prove them wrong.” Bonbon continued, “If you’re so certain humans exist, then you shouldn’t give up on finding evidence of their existence, no matter what everypony else says.”
“You know… you’re right!” Lyra was smiling now. “I’m not going to give up on proving humans are real. I’m going back to that clubhouse and…” Before she could finish her sentence, a strange sphere of light surging with electricity surrounded Lyra, and suddenly disappeared taking her with it.
Ponyville is used to all sorts of strange things happening every day, so when Bonbon saw Lyra disappear, she didn’t react at first but instead went for her diary:
Today, Lyra was upset that her club wasn’t able to accomplish anything. She then disappeared in a weird glowing ball of light. I will now proceed to panic.
She put the diary down. “Oh my Celestia! What the buck just happened?!” she exclaimed.
She started to breath heavily, and ran to get a paper bag.
((Author’s Note: If you’re wondering why Lyra disappeared in a ball of light, the truth is I don’t know myself. I’m just making this up as I go along))
((Author's Note: Now for a bit of a history lesson! Now, don't groan! I worked heard to find all of this out!))
Once long ago in the distant past (or perhaps it happened in alternate universe) there was a place called Dream Valley that existed in a place called Ponyland. Ponyland was connected to Earth by a rainbow bridge. Dream Valley was protected by its castle, Dream Castle, which was in a way Dream Valley’s capital as well as the home for all the ponies who lived nearby. One day the ponies of Dream Valley were attacked by the villainous Tirek, and the pegasus known as Firefly had to fly across the rainbow in order to find help. She found the human known as Megan who was able to help defeat Tirek by using the Rainbow of Light (although they got the rainbow from the Moochick, it had actually originally belonged to Majesty, Dream Castle’s ruler, who had given it to the Moochick for safekeeping because she feared what might happen if it fell into wrong hands (or hooves or claws or talons or paws)). One thing that should be noted is that time moves much differently in Ponyland than it does on Earth (It has never been well documented what the exact difference is as it seems to change constantly), because of this, a few months had passed in Ponyland during Megan’s second visit when it had only been about a week and a half for her. During her third visit she was surprised to find that years had passed (one of the most notable changes was that the unicorn Twilight had married a pegasus stallion and had a pegasus daughter also named Twilight) for the ponies. It was also during her third visit that the unexpected happened, and Dream Castle was destroyed by The Smooze. This prompted the Moochick to create Paradise Estate as a new home for the ponies. When The Smooze was defeated, Dream Castle was given to the Grundles as their new home. The reason why was because the castle was so badly damaged that while it was a perfect new home for the Grundles it was no longer suitable for the ponies to live in# Another problem surfaced; although the ponies were happy to have Paradise Estate as their new home, they realized that it was much smaller than Dream Castle and wouldn’t be able to hold all of them ((Author’s Note: Am I only one who’s ever thought about this?)). And thus half of the ponies left to find their own place to call home. With the help of the prince formerly known as Scorpan they were able to turn Midnight Castle (Tirek’s stronghold) into a new Dream Castle with Twilight (the unicorn not the pegasus) as its new ruler. With Spike acting as a messenger they continued to stay in contact with the Paradise Estate ponies.
((There. Was that so bad? You're still breathing, right? Right?))
Heart Throb saw a pink pegasus with a purple mane fly overhead, and flew up to meet her, “Hello, North Star, darling,” she said, greeting her fellow pegasus, who on closer inspection had a compass rose and a star for a cutie mark.
“Oh, hello Heart Throb” North Star said, greeting her friend. “That dress is new. Did you make it yourself?” she added, as she looked at North Star.
“Why, yes I did. It is my hope that this new outfit of mine might catch the eye of a handsome male.” Heart Throb said proudly.
North Star shook her head, “Heart Throb, you need to slow down on the whole find a guy to date thing. You’ll find the right stallion one day; you just have to be patient.”
“It’s not just for my sake. It’s also for my daughter’s sake as well. Baby Heart Throb needs a father as well as a mother.”
“I understand Heart Throb, believe me I do. I often wish I had more help raising Baby North Star, but Heart, you’re a little too boy-crazy. I mean, remember that time you started crushing on a human?”
“It wasn’t just any human, it was Prince Charming himself!”
“He was still a human, and you, a pony and therefore a completely different species, were crushing on him.”
“I suppose you’re right, but what about Baby Heart Throb.”
“Heart, from what I’ve seen, you are a terrific mother. I think your daughter can get by with just a mom for now.”
“Hmmm… maybe.” Heart Throb looked wistful for a moment, then shook her head. “By the way, North Star, where have you been?”
“Oh, I was visiting New Dream Castle.” she answered, “Twilight has done a really great job of running the place, and Moon Dancer and Glory are still quite happy with each other.”
“Oh” said Heart Throb who was apparently not pleased with that last bit of information.
“Oh? What do you mean by that?” asked North Star.
“It’s nothing.” Heart Throb said, quickly.
“It didn’t sound like nothing.”
Heart Throb shifted around, with a grimace. “It’s just that, don’t you think those two would be much happier with some stallions?”
“They’re perfectly entitled to love whoever they wish, Heart, and I see no reason why they shouldn’t be allowed to be together.” North Star said, rolling her eyes.
“It’s just so strange.”
“The times are a-changing’, Heart.”
“Sorry, that was a reference to a song Megan told me about.”
Just then Heart Throb was surrounded by a glowing sphere of light surging with electricity before both it and Heart Throb disappeared ((Author’s Note: I’m sure there’s no connection between this and Lyra’s disappearance at all)).
North Star stared at the spot where her friend had been, “What in Bonnie Zacherle’s name just happened?!”
“Ow, my head!” said Lyra, grasping it. “I guess glowing balls of energy thingies are hard on their passengers.” She stood up to examine her surroundings. As soon as she saw where she was, she let out a gasp. Somehow she had ended up in a dystopian future where everypony had been enslaved by robots! ((Author’s Note: Wait, this isn’t supposed to be how the story goes. Hang on a second)).
… *paper shuffling* Let’s see, where did I put that script? Oh! Here it is! Ahem. Sorry about that. Here’s the actual story:
Lyra woke up to find herself on a grassy knoll, “What happened?” she asked as she examined her surroundings. She saw a town off in the distance, “Maybe somepony there can help me.” she said, as she made her way towards the town.
As she got near the town she saw a sign that said ‘Welcome to Ponyland’. “Ponyland? What is this, an amusement park?” Lyra sarcastically asked herself, entering the town. She immediately knew there was something strange about the place. It didn’t look quite futuristic, but Lyra could tell that the place was years ahead of Ponyville, or any other place in Equestria, for that matter.
“There’s something about this place that seems familiar.” said Lyra as she pulled out a book titled The Theoretical Social Life of Humans (If they actually existed (which they don’t (so stop wasting your time with this book))) Vol. II. She flipped pag3es, looking for something. “I know it’s here…A-ha!” she exclaimed, “I knew it! This is the kind out of society that humans lived in around the 20th and21st centuries!” She looked around excitedly, expecting humans. All she saw was a bunch of earth ponies walking around, and her face fell a little. Lyra noticed that there weren’t any unicorns or pegasi, but that wasn’t too unusual. After all, there were places like Appleloosa and Manehattan that were either all or mostly earth ponies.
“Well that sucks.” Lyra said disappointedly, “But still, this place was obviously influenced by humans. Maybe these ponies have been in contact with them.” With that, Lyra’s voice was perked up. ((Author’s Note: Lyra hasn’t forgotten about trying to get back home, it’s just that she’s a little bit more preoccupied with finding proof of humans.))
(Pinkie Pie: We’ve got that! Get on with the story, narrator guy!)
(( How did you get?! How--oh, never mind. I should stop trying to question you.))
(Pinkie Pie: I know!)
As Lyra walked around she noticed all sorts of things that Equestria didn’t seem to have, such as movie theaters, malls, and something that Lyra’s book referred to as automobiles. This place is amazing. she thought to herself. She spotted a purple earth pony with a pink mane and a clover cutie mark, and decided to ask her where exactly in Equestria she was and, more importantly, if she knew anything about humans.
“Excuse me,” Lyra asked the pony, “Can I ask you something?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. What do want to…?” The purple pony said before stopping and noticed Lyra’s horn. Her mouth opened in a perfect circle.
“Is there something wrong?” Lyra asked the pony. “Do I have something on my face?”
The pony screamed and ran away.
“Well, that was rude. I wonder what that was about?” Lyra said, confused. She noticed that everypony else was also staring at her. It was almost as if they had never seen a unicorn before.
Lyra looked in a nearby mirror that was on display in a shop, “Hmmm, maybe I should wear some sort of hat or something.”
Just then, a pink pony wearing a dress accidentally bumped into her, “I’m so sorry, darling. I should have looked where I was going.” she said. For some reason she didn’t notice Lyra’s horn.
Lyra was about to say something, but the pony was already out of earshot. Lyra then noticed two other ponies with her, one of whom was wearing a top hat, “That will do.” Lyra grinned.
A group of ponies were gathered in an ice cream parlor listening to a pony with a patch cutie mark tell a joke.
“… The aristocrats!” said the pony as she delivered the punch line.
“Oh my gosh, Patch.” said a pink pony with a blonde mane, “I normally like your jokes, but that one was terrible.”
“Starlight is right” said a blue pony with an orange mane and a notebook for a cutie mark, “That joke was just offensive.”
Patch let out a sigh, “Yeah, you’re right, Bright Eyes. I swear it sounded funnier in my head.”
“I thought it was a little funny,” said a magenta pony with a blue mane.
Everypony else stared at her.
“Don’t get me wrong, it was offensive.” said the pony, “Still, it was a little funny as well.”
Just then the purple pony from before came bursting through the door only to trip and land face first.
“Are you okay, Clover?” asked Starlight.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” said Clover, “You guys are never going to believe this, but I saw a unicorn!”
Everypony stared at her. “You’re right,” said the magenta pony, “I don’t believe it.”
“I’m not kidding, Melody!” said Clover. She then turned to Patch, “You believe me, right Patch?”
“Look, Clover,” said Patch, “I may believe in those sorts of things, but I’m not that gullible.”
Clover let out a frustrated groan, “Why won’t anybody believe me?”
Starlight spoke up, “Clover, weren’t you at the movie theater seeing that new horror movie?”
“Yeah, what about it?
“Maybe the movie scared you so much that you started to imagine things?”
“Oh, no!” said Clover, “First of all, there weren’t any unicorns in that movie. Secondly, that movie sucked! There’s no way it would have any sort of impact on me!”
“This is even more ridiculous than those rumors that Sweetheart and Teddy are secretly dating.” said Melody.
A white pony with a purple mane and a set of hearts for a cutie mark let out a laugh that was a little too loud. “Yeah, hah, rumors.”
“Hey, that reminds me.” said a yellow pony with a pink mane and a wrapped candy for a cutie mark, “How are things between you and Ace?” she asked Melody.
“It’s going great; Bonbon.” said Melody, “Next week, Ace is going to take me to a concert to see Fallout Colt.”
“Congratulations.” said Starlight, grinding her teeth.
“Stop ignoring me!” yelled Clover who was getting annoyed.
Before anyone could answer her, the door opens, and a green pony wearing a top hat walks in.
“Can I help you?” asked Starlight.
“Uh… let’s see. This is an ice cream parlor, right? I’ll have a mint chocolate chip ice cream, with extra chips,” said the pony.
“Coming right up.” said Starlight. She looked sideways at the green pony. “By the way, what’s your name? I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.”
“It’s Lyra Heartstrings, and I’m… from out of town.”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Lyra! I’m Starlight, and these are my friends; Bright Eyes,
“Greetings!” said Bright Eyes, waving.
“It’s really truly nice to meet you!” said Sweetheart.
“Hey!” said Patch
“How’s it going?” said Melody.
“Hi!” said Bonbon.
Lyra interrupted, “Wait a minute. Did you say your name was Bonbon?”
“Um…yeah?” answered Bonbon, “Is that a problem?”
“You can’t be Bonbon.” said Lyra. “I know Bonbon, and you’re not her.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” said Bonbon, “I can assure you that I am Bonbon.”
“Hmmm… considering how big the world we live on is, as well as the number of ponies that live on it, it’s possible that Ms. Heartstrings here just so happens to know some other pony whose name happens to also be Bonbon.” answered Bright Eyes.
“I suppose that could be the case.” said Lyra, not sounding convinced.
“Well, now that we’ve got that settled,” said Starlight, “Allow me to introduce the last pony in our little group, Clover Bloom.”
Clover, who was still mad that no one believed her about seeing a unicorn, looked up to see Lyra. As soon as she did so, her mouth dropped open, “It’s you!” she cried out, pointing a hoof at Lyra.
“Have you two met already?” asked Starlight.
“She’s the unicorn I was telling you guys about.” said Clover.
“Um… Clover? I think you should get your eyes checked. That’s a hat, not a horn.” said Melody giggling.
“She wasn’t wearing the hat before, and I-wait a minute.” Clover stopped to read a nametag on the brim of hat: Cheval. “You stole that hat from my brother-in law, didn’t you!” she angrily asked.
“No, I didn’t,” Lyra partially lied ((Author’s Note: Considering that Lyra doesn’t know for sure who she stole the hat from, she might as well be telling the truth)).
“Then why does it have his name on it?” asked Clover.
“That could be any Cheval.” said Lyra, who knew about the name due to having noticed it herself before putting it on, “I’m sure there are a million Chevals around here.”
“Okay, fine. I did steal it, but only because I’m a huge fan of… whatever it is that he does.”
“He’s a ballet dancer.”
“Really? That’s dumb.”
“Hey! Nobody disses ballet!” Clover looked read to punch Lyra.
“Okay! That’s enough!” interrupted Starlight, diffusing the tension in the room. “Ms. Heartstrings, here’s your ice cream. Cover, I don’t know exactly what your problem is, but I suspect that horror movie has affected you more than you say it did. I think you should go home and rest.”
“Fine” said Clover. She then leaned in to whisper in Lyra’s ear, “You may have everyone else fooled, but I know what you are and I’m going to prove it.
“Bring it on.” Lyra whispered back, smiling.
To be continued…
* Hi Everyone, It’s Deadpool here to let you know that this chapter was sponsored by chimichangas. Try chimichangas, they’re the chimichangiest!